Say goodnight to Opening Day Baseball with an absolute legend. Surefire Hall of Famer Morganna the Kissing Bandit. Before the time of tasering anyone who runs on the field,
Morgana was a bonafide celebrity. From the mid 70’s to the early 90’s this big breasted 6 1/2 star chick would run on the field and kiss Hall of Famers. I’m talking Nolan Ryan, George Brett, and Cal Ripken Jr, All Stars. And it was just a funny 1970’s thing. That could never happen in today’s world. So get nostalgic and check out some giant fake boobies. Bat out.
What is 6-2, 185 lbs, seventeen years old, and holds the California State record for TDs as a junior. Jake “Long Ball” Browning. And the Huskies just picked this blue chip recruit right from under Nick Saban’s evil nose. Yep the Crimsion Tide had offered this young buck a spot on the roster, but why go play for National Chamipoinships when you can come up North and sling for the Huskies. Chris Peterson just flaunting all over the Pac-12 and letting the new coach at USC to remember to keep an eye on Seattle. In a couple of seasons Sarkisian will be wet dreaming about running out of the tunnel at Husky Stadium and watching Jake “Big Cock” Browning spray bullets. (I have two years to get the right nickname for this 17 year old) With Cyler Miles out for most likely forever I can’t wait for this kid to step on campus.
P.S. This kid def crushes the high school Tinder game. I couldn’t imagine having Tinder in high school. Would have changed the game.
P.P.S. More likely would have crushed my dreams, high school was an awkward time for the 6’6 175 lb stud I was. And yes I know the crowds were crazy at my games. People packed in to the rafters.
I love Opening Day. Every year I forget what this feeling is like but the start of baseball season is such an awesome time. Yes, it is nearing playoff time for the NBA and NHL, March Madness is hitting it’s peak, and baseball won’t become the marquee sport on my mind until mid summer. Which at that point it would only hold on until the fall when the NFL struts that sexy ass back into my life. But this is still a great day. Even with the NFL being the no doubt champion of American sports and the NBA most likely with the silver medal, the MLB can still captivate a fan base for the whole season and I love it. Unfortunately for me growing up in New York, the only team from that area I became a fan of was the Mets, and usually baseball season is a giant kidney stone. Love my Seattle teams until I die but my Dad is original New York and the only sport he cares about it baseball. Used to take flights out to Queens from Seattle just to catch a few Met games every summer and I fell in love with a pathetic franchise.
Once we lived in NY became season ticket holders and I keep going back every year for the punishment only a Mets season could promise. Going to baseball games are awesome. The Old Man used to tie pantyhoes at the end of the legs, loop the middle over his neck, and would slide about 5 cans of Coors Light down each leg going into Shea. In the days before hardcore security that was a guaranteed 10 free beers at the ballpark. (Sidenote: I feel like the majority of kids would trust their Dads driving as drunk as it gets. As a kid I’m pretty sure I got in a car with him shithoused about 1,000 times. Is that most childhoods? I would trust that man about 20 deep at this point. It is a fact Dads are naturally stronger, tougher, and better drinkers no matter what.) And I loved every second of the ballpark, the games, and an Al Leiter jersey hangs proudly in my closest next to the Shaun Alexander. Basically what I’m trying to say is I fucking love baseball season and I think the majority of sports fans get down with Opening Day. So I’m gunna try to keep an eye on the MLB for the whole season and when I see something I want to post I will.
(THE REAL CAPTAIN)
P.S. Don’t worry Mariners fans I watch a bunch of Mariner games and if I had to pick an AL team it is the Seattle club no question. Loved Ken Griffey Jr. and this man
is my favorite player of all time. Yes that is Butch Henry, the guy who barely pitched for the Mariners at all in the 1999 season. But for some reason in Ken Griffey Slugfest for N64 he was a lefty submariner who was unhittable and in my world Butch Henry is a 3 time Cy Young winner for the World Champion Mariners. So the Rain City will see some of my love for baseball.
Woke up and my favorite QB in the league decided to drop this fire jam on my head without warning. Juanita Bynum coming in with a 9 minute banger, and now we know how the Seahawks get pumped up before games. You think it’s with Richard Sherman bumping some “I’m the Man” on his Beats? Hell no. Juanita Bynum booming in the locker room on eleven through the speakers. Actually I can see Juanita Bynum in the locker, full black choir in tow, belting out Peaceful Recitation for 9 full minutes before kickoff, and Russel Wilson just feeling the Holy Spirit. Begging for an encore. With Juanita Bynum crooning hits like this and Russel behind center I don’t see one outcome next season other then a second straight Super Bowl and the beginning of a dynasty. Cue the music!
Above is the only video left (which sucks because fuck deadspin) of this hockey interaction that took place over the weekend. Happened in the FHL league and my extensive research into this matter shows me that I’ve have known about the FHL for a total of 5 minutes. That being said this fight is getting lampooned by most sites as a mockery of hockey and I get it. There should be a level of respect for the game when you take the ice and this wasn’t what anyone would call keeping the game classy. But I’m no hockey purist, the Hanson Brothers are still my favorite line ever, and in a shitty minor league game like this a hardcore bro move like pretending to fight a black guy and instead pulling out a beer, flashing the peace sign, and skating around with a smile makes me chuckle. And after spending all day scouring the internet for a chuckle and finding one in a unlikely place like the FHL is a win for me any day. I mean take a look at this guy Matt Puntureri.
Classic minor league hockey lifer. I went to college with a ton of this type of duster. A total hockey lifer who probably went to prep school, played 2 years of juniors, and skated around some shitty D3 college for four years until he was 26. Now he is a minor league hockey goon who plays for teams called the Rock Hoppers and Dashers, putting down light beers and hoping to find some 35 year old puck sluts who hang around the rink flaunting a C-section scar. This is a guy who knows he isn’t making it to the NHL anytime soon, and is just keeping the good times rolling until the FHL dream he’s living in fizzles out. Now his obvious affinity for the darker skin is shown in the top picture so that is reason 1 he didn’t wanna throw fists with the token black dude on the Demonz. Reason 2 I see as a much deeper commitment to the lifestyle of beers and hockey. I mean look at the clock here, 9:30 left in the 3rd period. My man Puntureri was out there skating for probably 3 or 4 shifts with that Bud Light sitting in the pads. To be honest he most likely has cold one in there every period, taking advantage of any penalty box time to put a solid buzz on. This was just the first chance he had to make hockey history with that lucky skating beer he carries with him every game. To do something Gretzky, Howe, and Hull have never even done. In this move Matt Puntureri without a doubt became the first hockey player in history to fake a fight, drink a beer, and skate off the ice arm in arm with a black dude, EVER. That’s hockey history folks and we should consider ourselves lucky enough to be witnesses.
Going for a throwback to send it into the weekend with my first love Anna Kournikova. Went to an elementary school book fair in 5th grade, came out with an Kournikova poster. Probably the first thing I ever cracked stick to. Plus she might have the sexiest sounding last name in history, Kournikova. Say it out loud. Kournikova. Now calm down and have a great Friday night.
The Eagles have officially parted ways with DeSean Jackson. This move has to be strictly for off the field reasons since he put up great numbers last year. I’m talking 82 catches, 1,332 yards, and 9 TDs in Chip Kelly’s new offense. I’m no GM but normally teams don’t just cut guys putting up stats like that. The Patriots waited until Aaron was in cuffs before severing ties. Belicheck knew he was a thug, a thug putting up stats. But if Howie Roseman and the Eagles staff think DeSean is in a West Coast gang so be it. Now there is a receiver with good hands and a 4.3 forty time on the free agent market. Who cares if he throws up Crip signs during the game.
The Seahawks are the West Coast. It was a major surprise for me that Pete Carrol wasn’t Crip walking up and down the sideline during the season after touchdowns that old man is so hip. Teams win with thugs and after cutting Sidney Rice this offseason the Seahawks could use another deep threat. So lets go out and get Jacccpot. Lets sign him and Richie Incognito at the same exact time and force them to become best friends, make a reality show called “DeSean and Richie do Seattle” and gear up for another Super Bowl run.
Just kidding don’t touch Desean we have three proven receivers in Tate, Kearse, and Baldwin and a big play threat in Harvin who doesn’t throw up Crip signs.