That trailer is exactly how I picture the Browns have actually run their organization for the past 20 years. No calm draft analysis of the players round by round to build the best possible team. Just running around the office threatening to fire everyone, burning papers, and blowing every rational NFL mind in the business. A GM talking over a major draft day deal with his 80 year old Mom? Completely unbelievable anywhere but Cleveland. I absolutely buy that an old woman who knows nothing about football has been making the picks for the Browns for decades. You think just any team would draft a 27 year old rookie QB in the first round? No, only the Browns saw that spark in Brandon Weeden’s middle aged eyes. I hope the climatic peak of the movie is them picking Brandon Weeden again. In a move even the director didn’t see coming. Because I don’t care what your script says, if you planed on a triumphant first round pick from Kevin Costner, and the end credits say the Browns ended up winning the Super Bowl, it won’t work out that way. The logical end to this movie is the Browns end up picking Tim Couch 2.0, miss the playoffs for the next 37 years, and pan to Costner’s office with him dangling from the ceiling fan by a rope.
P.S.- Went to my bookie and put 100 down on the Seahawks taking home the Super Bowl in Draft Day. Dynasties don’t conform to Hollywood’s rules. Pete Carroll is Hollywood.
The measles are here folks and I don’t think anyone is ready. I consider myself a smart guy, a somewhat educated person, and I have zero clue what exactly the measles entail. Chalk it up right next to the mumps and small pox on the diseases I don’t understand board. For some reason I feel like measles should have been cured in the 1950’s along with polio and segregation. But I am wrong, and for everyone in Seattle right now you have to be on alert. You wanna go for a run? Don’t, measles is out there. You wanna go for a picnic? Don’t, measles is waiting. You wanna ride your racing bike to the vinyl record store? Go ahead you Hipster fuck, I hope you get measles. For everyone else in the Emerald City stay safe and measle free.
Meet Nate Severin. Last Wednesday nobody in Washington had a worse day than good ole Nate here. His genius crime plan fell through when Jason Guerra came home. That must be the pits. Here is Nate, having a great hair day, trying to rob a house and the son of a bitch homeowner comes in. Completely ruining any chance at a picture perfect robbery. Things go from bad to worse when that asshole tackles Nate and calls the cops. Damn it. Talk about a downer for Natey. But Nate isn’t your ordinary criminal. He thinks outside the box. Time to throw some coal in the furnace and fire up the excuse train. I assume he started with some normal excuses. “I thought this was my laptop.” “I’m from the future and if I don’t steal this lap top we all die.” “I’m actually Heath Ledger training for my role as Val Kilmer as he got fatter and fatter.” But these all fell through. So Nate, thinking fast on his feet decided to use his closer, the excuse that hasn’t failed him since grade school. “Bro, I know your mad about the robbery and everything, but for real, I shit my pants.” Booooooooom. Instant sympathy. That is a moment Jason Guerra could not have expected while holding Nate down on the ground. To be honest I don’t know if I would be able to continue holding that guy. I hate picking up dogshit. Can you imagine wrestling a guy to the floor with his pants filled to the brim with poop. Amazing move by Nate and even more kudos to Jason for stomaching the #2 during his citizens arrest.
And don’t look down at Nate Severin here. Do not. Does his expression in the mugshot look like one of a loser? No. He looks like a guy who played all the cards he had, ended up losing, but would do it the same way again. I bet a couple months from now we hear the story of the burglar who got caught, shit his pants, and escaped with a brand new laptop.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take-Nate Severin
Say goodnight to Opening Day Baseball with an absolute legend. Surefire Hall of Famer Morganna the Kissing Bandit. Before the time of tasering anyone who runs on the field,
Morgana was a bonafide celebrity. From the mid 70’s to the early 90’s this big breasted 6 1/2 star chick would run on the field and kiss Hall of Famers. I’m talking Nolan Ryan, George Brett, and Cal Ripken Jr, All Stars. And it was just a funny 1970’s thing. That could never happen in today’s world. So get nostalgic and check out some giant fake boobies. Bat out.
What is 6-2, 185 lbs, seventeen years old, and holds the California State record for TDs as a junior. Jake “Long Ball” Browning. And the Huskies just picked this blue chip recruit right from under Nick Saban’s evil nose. Yep the Crimsion Tide had offered this young buck a spot on the roster, but why go play for National Chamipoinships when you can come up North and sling for the Huskies. Chris Peterson just flaunting all over the Pac-12 and letting the new coach at USC to remember to keep an eye on Seattle. In a couple of seasons Sarkisian will be wet dreaming about running out of the tunnel at Husky Stadium and watching Jake “Big Cock” Browning spray bullets. (I have two years to get the right nickname for this 17 year old) With Cyler Miles out for most likely forever I can’t wait for this kid to step on campus.
P.S. This kid def crushes the high school Tinder game. I couldn’t imagine having Tinder in high school. Would have changed the game.
P.P.S. More likely would have crushed my dreams, high school was an awkward time for the 6’6 175 lb stud I was. And yes I know the crowds were crazy at my games. People packed in to the rafters.
I love Opening Day. Every year I forget what this feeling is like but the start of baseball season is such an awesome time. Yes, it is nearing playoff time for the NBA and NHL, March Madness is hitting it’s peak, and baseball won’t become the marquee sport on my mind until mid summer. Which at that point it would only hold on until the fall when the NFL struts that sexy ass back into my life. But this is still a great day. Even with the NFL being the no doubt champion of American sports and the NBA most likely with the silver medal, the MLB can still captivate a fan base for the whole season and I love it. Unfortunately for me growing up in New York, the only team from that area I became a fan of was the Mets, and usually baseball season is a giant kidney stone. Love my Seattle teams until I die but my Dad is original New York and the only sport he cares about it baseball. Used to take flights out to Queens from Seattle just to catch a few Met games every summer and I fell in love with a pathetic franchise.
Once we lived in NY became season ticket holders and I keep going back every year for the punishment only a Mets season could promise. Going to baseball games are awesome. The Old Man used to tie pantyhoes at the end of the legs, loop the middle over his neck, and would slide about 5 cans of Coors Light down each leg going into Shea. In the days before hardcore security that was a guaranteed 10 free beers at the ballpark. (Sidenote: I feel like the majority of kids would trust their Dads driving as drunk as it gets. As a kid I’m pretty sure I got in a car with him shithoused about 1,000 times. Is that most childhoods? I would trust that man about 20 deep at this point. It is a fact Dads are naturally stronger, tougher, and better drinkers no matter what.) And I loved every second of the ballpark, the games, and an Al Leiter jersey hangs proudly in my closest next to the Shaun Alexander. Basically what I’m trying to say is I fucking love baseball season and I think the majority of sports fans get down with Opening Day. So I’m gunna try to keep an eye on the MLB for the whole season and when I see something I want to post I will.
(THE REAL CAPTAIN)
P.S. Don’t worry Mariners fans I watch a bunch of Mariner games and if I had to pick an AL team it is the Seattle club no question. Loved Ken Griffey Jr. and this man
is my favorite player of all time. Yes that is Butch Henry, the guy who barely pitched for the Mariners at all in the 1999 season. But for some reason in Ken Griffey Slugfest for N64 he was a lefty submariner who was unhittable and in my world Butch Henry is a 3 time Cy Young winner for the World Champion Mariners. So the Rain City will see some of my love for baseball.